CARTER RUCKED KATE'S DIARIES, SO WHAT DO THEY NEED TO HIDE IN HERE

The News of the World were immediately pounced on by Carter Ruck for printing her diaries without her permission and they paid up. So what are those thoughts and feelings contained in the diaries, below, that Kate just did not wish to share with us? Because it is odd really, she has gone on TV and talked to the press etc so many times, but this, no you cannot read this, so read on...The News of the World actually give this article a very favourable slant to the McCanns and the usual bashing for the Portuguese Police. So just what is it that just after the PJ revealed their files to the world, Kate or Team McCann did not want revealed?

Comments in green are my own. I have not gone right the way through it. I have to say that on reading this, there is only one conclusion you can draw really, Kate killed Madeleine. That does not mean it is the right conclusion but it certainly looks that way. She felt much better when she got JK Rowling on board and she is just trying to get her back on board again. Is this the answer to the eternal mystery of what happened to Little Maddie? Kate even talks about how difficult bedtimes are! She also mentions texting Ricardo Paiva, which she then realises what not such a good idea. Half of her, it seems, wanted to confess. But I suspect her cold husband was having none of that, if this is what happened and I am not saying that it is!


HAPPIER TIMES: Madeleine on the day she vanished
By Daniel Sanderson, 13/09/2008
TODAY we reveal the secret diary of agonised mum Kate McCann—penned over months as she and husband Gerry struggled to deal with their daughter Madeleine’s abduction.
Her words destroy the litany of lies told by Portuguese cops to paint them as cold and calculating. Kate wrote: “I can’t bear being without Madeleine. It’s like torture— a slow painful death.”
FOR months the Portuguese police leaked carefully selected extracts from Kate McCann’s secret diary, chosen to deliberately paint her and husband Gerry as the ice couple—cold, dispassionate and emotionless in the face of three-year-old Madeleine’s abduction.
Now, for the first time, the News of the World can fill in the blanks and nail those lies. The 135-page journal covering April 28, 2007 to Tuesday, July 31, was passed to us by a reporter in Portugal appalled by the sickening smear campaign against the McCanns.
Kate’s log of the dark days after Madeleine vanished from their holiday flat reveals the true picture of the tortured woman behind the calm, brave face she had to portray in public, as initial disbelief and numbness gave way to desperation and rage. Often she includes touching messages of love to her missing daughter. It confirms the strength Kate drew from her devout Catholic faith—and frankly admits the doubts the trauma forced her to face.
THE entry for the fateful day Madeleine McCann vanished—May 3, 2007—makes chilling reading in her mother’s diary, because it started out so NORMAL.
Mum-of-three Kate, 40, records that it began much like any other since the family arrived at the Mark Warner Ocean Club in Praia da Luz on Portugal’s Algarve coast—one long, happy round of swimming, tennis, kids’ club, games and fun. (but the reality of what we see is a couple who put their children in the nursery all day every day, spent the obligatory few hours with them each night when the nursery closed, and then left them alone with the door open, having dumped them in bed at the earliest possible hour . Is this the News of the World's idea of a Happy Family??)
But knowing what is about to befall them turns Kate’s simple account of the children’s evening bedtime routine into a tense drama...
THURSDAY, MAY 3: Milk and biscuits for the kids. I left them with this and books and games and went to have a quick shower/wash my hair. M (Madeleine) tired—sitting on my lap—I read the story of Mog (favourite children’s book).
Brush teeth. To the bedroom with the kids. M pulls away and puts her head on pillow. Kisses goodnight for M. Pulled the door to as far as possible without shutting it. Silence. How could this log have been written at the time, given she does not even bother to mention the twins? We know that it was not, Philomena told us that she advised Kate to start keeping this log after Madeleine disappeared. So this seems rather contrived and backdated to the start of the holiday?
Dry hair. Put make-up on. Glass of wine. Restaurant.
(During dinner nearby with friends —dubbed the Tapas 7—the group took turns to check the children. At 10pm Kate discovers Madeleine gone. The McCanns and helpers frantically scour the area until 4am.)
FRIDAY, MAY 4: No sleep, Gerry and I started looking through the streets around 06.00 as it was starting to get light. Nobody around. Why not? Desperate. Why would you wait until 6 to start looking for a little girl who was all alone and could so easily have just walked out of the patio door they say they left open?
Minutes seem like hours. Outside of the apartments masses of people asking questions about that night and for descriptions of Madeleine. Long day. "that night" but this is supposedly being written just the following morning!
(Then Kate, Gerrry and their seven friends were taken to the Policia Judiciaria, or PJ, headquarters in nearby Portimao to give statements.)
Nobody from the police introduced themselves. Nobody offered us a drink or food. All the police dressed informally and smoking. No sympathy was shown and far from inspiring. Why was she immediately so arrogant and insulting to the PJ? Why would they be sympathetic to a couple who left three tiny tots alone with the door open? Why would being offered food, informal dress, smoking be issues for her at all in the circumstances?
I believe my statement would have been around 15.00 and such. They allowed G (Gerry) to come in with me but seated behind me. This was a grave error on the part of the police if true, any parent in this situation has to be treated as a suspect and GErry should not have been allowed to sit behind her clocking every word. Hardly fits with her suggestion they were rude and unkind to her! Translator present.
The police officer who took us by car to the station was the one asking the questions and afterwards typed the answers on a typewriter. Morose. Why on earth would a mother in this situation immediately be so incredibly rude and hostile in her attitudes to those she desperately needed help from to recover her daughter ?
We left the police station around 7.30pm to 8pm. After 15 minutes we received a call from the PJ saying we had to go back but they didn’t tell us why. We turned around and flew back at around 200 kilometres an hour. Once again frightening. Did they find her? Please God. Is she dead? Kate seems to be wanting to avoid the issue of going back to the police station, even complaining about the speed, and immediately addresses the question is she dead. This is just the day after Maddie went missing, and yet, she now tells us she is sure Maddie is still alive???

Prayers. We arrived—they showed us a photo of a girl they’d forgotten to show us from the close circuit TV footage. Not M. Devastating.

Seems to suddenly jump from 4 May to 12 May, why the big gap, what was happening in those crucial days that Kate does not see fit to record?
SATURDAY, MAY 12: (Madeleine’s birthday) Madeleine is four years old. Day at resort with holiday group. Special Mass for Madeleine at 18.00 in Praia da Luz. Kate and Gerry are photographed outside the Church, Gerry in particular in fits of laughter, Kate smiling happily, holding flowers. Perverse! No anguish about how sorrowful she is Madeleine missed her birthday?
MONDAY, MAY 14: I slept well last night after a not very good end of the day, frustration with the FLO (Portuguese police family liaison officer) asking me where would my little M be.
I got up at 06.50. I dealt with some trifles and got myself ready for the statement to the press at 08.00.
I tried to put on a slightly more presentable and “healthy” air. Gerry again gave a great performance.
Following on we answered about four questions. I almost responded to the first one asking how we were, but I didn’t. I did answer a question on our possible return home. I replied that obviously I didn’t even think about that. Anyway, it seemed to have gone well. After breakfast and our having left S and A, (twins Sean and Amelie, then aged two) we went to church to pray in silence. Very good, calming. What now you got rid of the children again with this terrible lurking predator in PDL?
After getting back I decided to go running—for the first time since THE day (already 11 days ago). I knew that it was going to be physically difficult,(but not mentally) but I also knew that I wasn’t going to give up, because it was for Madeleine and also because the level of pain is far higher now. So she went jogging for Madeleine and 11 days on the "level of pain is far higher". How could it be?
No cameras or journalists, which was great. I went running towards the beach and then along it and again climbed that hill so steep —without stopping! (I carried a photo of M in my hand to keep me going.) On the last hill past the tennis courts my legs completely weak, but I managed to keep myself walking. I managed to reach the apartment then time to stop—to think—I felt really quite calm. This sounds like a strategy someone might employ to deal with a terrible burden they are facing and for which they feel very troubled and very guilty. How to snap out of it, calm down, deal with it. This makes it sound like Kate killed Madeleine.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 23: Gordon Brown (then Chancellor and PM in waiting) called and spoke with Gerry -very kind and giving encouragement.
Feeling a bit emotional afterwards.
SATURDAY, MAY 26: We went to an amusement park with the kids. Some phone calls, emails etc. Not a very good day for either the two of us—some dark thoughts/ frustrations/ desperation creeping in. Some tears. What were those dark thoughts and frustrations that happened on 26 May and why were the tears so long in coming. Was she feeling things were not going as planned.
(Then in a moving little message to Madeleine) I love you so much XXX Some salve for her conscience what with all those dark thoughts and feelings?
SUNDAY, MAY 27: Clarence (Clarence Mitchell, Foreign Office family liaison at the time) spoke to us about a possible trip to the Vatican. It seems that it really is going to happen—main story on the news! I do not pretend to understand what Mitchell, supposedly acting on hehalf of the government was doing arranging this! But it was noticeable how, in a picture with Gerry, as he returned to PDL from UK on about 20 May, they cheerily walked together. There has always been an unholy alliance between these two men!
Spoke to Dad. I went for a walk to the beach with Sean and Amelie. Frozen. Beach—slippery, wet feet.
We all had dinner when we got back to the apartment.
We have to keep looking. We have to find you beloved xxxxx. But just what had she been doing about "looking", I see nothing in her diary entries!
(Kate signed off the day’s entry by drawing a heart with “I LOVE MADELEINE” inside.) Almost like childhood fantasy behaviour...
WEDNESDAY, MAY 30: (After trip to see Pope detailed above) The kids went to bed again around 9pm!!! Low point of tonight—becoming desperate/without hope because of the lack of information. They are acting like they have no leads at all. Very worried. Well I suppose it would be worrying the Police cannot find any "leads" in relation to a supposed strange abduction that plainly did not happen. And if you are a guilty and afraid person that lack of knowledge as to what the police are doing would build and become increasingly frightening.
Tomorrow it will be 4 weeks since Madeleine was taken. Four weeks since we saw our special little girl. We are not certain that we will ever see her again, but know that we have to keep up our hope and strength—for the others, at least. Exhausted. For others at least, she needs to put on a good show, this is a chilling remark that clearly indicates and intention to deceive in my opinion.
I love you so much, Madeleine. You must come back! X It seems that whenever, in her mind, she dwells on what has really happened, she has to put in a comment about how much she loves Madeleine, this needs no explaining!
FRIDAY, JUNE 1: Quite fed up...I can’t stop thinking about Madeleine, about her fear of pain. How can I go on knowing that her life could have ended like this?
This week I have been quite overtaken by black thoughts. Please, God, bring her back. I suspect even God could not provide that.
Bedtime is becoming more and more of a challenge. Even more of a challenge than it was that night?
SATURDAY, JUNE 2: I can’t remember today (which is now yesterday!). The morning was spent doing paperwork. I wrote a letter to JK Rowling, asking for her help in keeping M in the public eye. She has a new Harry Potter book which will come out in July. I asked if it would be possible to do something like a bookmark with M on.
An enjoyable afternoon—I never felt so relaxed. I felt it was wrong. After she had spoken to JK Rowling and felt she had someone really wealthy and powerful on her side she NEVER felt so relaxed?? S and A had fun and that was important. I also worried about what people might think,like “How can they manage to...?” so having someone like JK Rowling on your side really makes you feel better!! Major and expensive PR campaign needed to manage what people might think and how can they manage to NOT CRY?
It seems that Sean is liking the beach more these days. More than what? was he afraid of the beach, is that normal? We had tea in a nearby restaurant—good, despite still thinking that I had to do normal things without feeling guilty. We left around 7.30pm and the kids were completely exhausted.
Fed up again —poor M. Once again it took a long time before S and A were sorted. Does she need drugs to help her with that? but had to stop using them?? Finally went to church for 10 minutes.
Private worship (despairing!).
Cried again in bed—I can’t avoid it. I need her close to me. Thinking about her fear of pain breaks my heart. Thinking about paedophiles makes me want to tear at my own skin. I was never in favour of the death penalty, but these people should be kept in a secure place. I wouldn’t even complain if it was in nice surroundings, but, certainly in the case of paedophiles always distanced from any type of contact with children.
Whose human rights are more important? Those of a paedophile or of a vulnerable, defenceless child? So it was over a month before Kate started thinking about these evil paedophiles?
TUESDAY, JUNE 5: Woke up relatively late again, around 7.30am, with a good morning wake-up call from S and A. Adorable!! I just wish it had been all three of them that came into the room. After a shower and breakfast, I took S and A to the Kids’ Club. I asked if they could make birthday cards for their Grandma and Gerry—today is his birthday but I had forgotten which is not surprising!
THURSDAY, JUNE 7: The Press conference went well. People are always asking how we are managing to cope, how we can manage to run a campaign, as if we are strange because we are able to appear calm and controlled and aren’t going under all the time. They know so little. That is very true. Nobody should judge or criticise because, unless they have already been in this situation, they have NO IDEA how they would be and certainly NO IDEA how painful it is. NO IDEA AT ALL. I love you so much Madeleine xxxx This almost reads like a confession, I can completely understand why Police took the view that they did. Did she kill Madeleine and write this, almost trying to confess, was something or someone stopping her?
I can’t bear this. I can’t bear being without Madeleine. It’s like torture—a slow, painful death. I hope her suffering, if she is suffering, is much less. Please God.
SUNDAY, JUNE 17: Cherie Blair (then the Premier’s wife) phoned to find out how we were.
We talked about everything in general, including about them leaving Number 10. She agreed as well to make a 20-second video clip for our broadcast on YouTube about Madeleine and children who have disappeared.
I also had the chance to speak to Tony (then Prime Minister) who told me that we weren’t to hesitate to ask him if there was something he could do to help.
On Sky News tonight they suddenly said the Portuguese police had stated that the crime scene had been contaminated—because of us—and that fundamental evidence had been lost. How dare they insinuate that our daughter’s life could be put in danger because of us. Very angry. Very upset.
I want to speak to someone now, but it’s too late.
I changed my mind and I sent a text message to Ricardo (Portuguese police family liaison officer). I don’t know if was a sensible idea but I feel really annoyed.
My darling little Madeleine, you know that we wouldn’t do anything to put you in danger.
I love you very much and I am in agony right now.
I only have to hope that God helps us all now and that he brings you back to us, safe and sound, very soon. After all that talk about paedophiles?
I need you to come back Madeleine. You are the best thing in my life that has ever happened to me. XXXXX She needs Madeleine to come back because of her own needs and she now says Maddie was the best thing that ever happened, not Gerry, not the twins, just Maddie. Oh dear!
I ended up feeling very upset. Everything overflowed. Terrified that we might not get Madeleine back. I simply cannot face that. Tears, despair, rage, helplessness. I spoke to Gerry, recited prayers. Please God, bring her back XX
I fell asleep after 1am.
MONDAY, JUNE 18: I spent a few lovely hours with Sean and Amelie building a sandcastle with a moat, getting big hugs from Sean, ice creams.
Shower, lovely meal and a little playtime with the kids.
(But as night closes in Kate’s anguish returns.)
I can’t stand living like this. It’s so painful and distressing. Dear Lord, PLEASE answer our prayers. PLEASE send Madeleine back to us. PLEASE.
I love you so, so much Madeleine, more than anything XXXXX.
TUESDAY, JUNE 19: Last night I didn’t manage to get to sleep until around 1am because I was so upset again. It’s so painful to be without Madeleine and I can’t stand to think that it could be like this forever. This simply cannot happen.
Good night, good night Madeleine,I’m longing to read you a bedtime story again. I love you my little darling X.
I’m longing to read you a bedtime story again. I love you my little darling X.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 20: There is still no sign of Madeleine. I didn’t feel like it so I decided not to go running.
Went to pick up Gerry from the airport. It was so good to see him. Just before we reached the apartment we saw a man lying in the middle of the street, so we stopped the car and got out. It was no surprise to see that he was drunk (we’ve all been there!) but he recognised Gerry and me immediately. Gerry walked him round to his apartment.
THURSDAY, JUNE 21: I went to the church around 9.20pm to pray a bit by myself, in peace. I got a bit annoyed, I don’t understand why God doesn’t answer my prayers. I think I need a sign of some sort. I miss her so much. It is so painful and I don't feel my life is complete and I won’t ever feel it is complete, if she doesn’t come home. Gerry came down later on to be with me.
Apart from a glass of wine, chocolate and this diary, there’s nothing much else to tell.
I LOVE YOU MADELEINE. GOOD NIGHT GOOD NIGHT X X X.
FRIDAY, JUNE 22: I miss Madeleine loads and that’s a real understatement. Sometimes I think I must have done something so bad. (Then Kate recalls the IVF treatment she needed to get pregnant) It was so difficult and painful ‘trying’ to have Madeleine and now this!!!
Why??? Bad luck??? A sick joke??? And then I think I don’t want to think about me—I’m an adult, but Madeleine, dear, sweet, vulnerable, beautiful Madeleine... and I just feel like screaming. WHY?
Dear Lord, I continue to ask, continue to hope, continue to try to have faith in You. Please help us. Put an end to this nightmare. Please help Madeleine. PLEASE LORD.
Unbearable
Madeleine, I love you with all my heart. You are part of my being and I will never feel whole without you. I hope and pray for the day, hopefully soon, when we will be reunited and together again FOREVER. I miss you so much. I need you. I love you. XXXXXXXXXXX
SATURDAY, JUNE 23: I woke up after 7am hesitating (again!) about going running but eventually I built up enough enthusiasm to convince Gerry that we should go. He ran quite well and without a doubt it was worth us going.
Will we see her again one day? How can this end well now? She’s so precious. God I need you to do something soon. I’m so desperate and suffering so much.
This evening I felt quite low again. It’s the awful uncertainty, helplessness and worry. It’s really unbearable. I only want to be able to hide or hibernate until this is all over and Madeleine is back. Please make sure she’s OK.
The usual—dinner, a few drinks and emails. Good night. Good night my darling, longing to lie down...
SUNDAY, JUNE 24: Oh, Madeleine, I find the nights so difficult and only God knows how things are going to find you. I just want to say, once again, that you have been the most special and amazing thing that ever happened to me.
I’ve never felt such love for another person. I hope and I trust that God and Mary are protecting you and I only know that Dad and I and all your wonderful family and friends will continue to search for you, and we all long for the day when you will be back with us again— FOREVER! XX
Good night. Good night darling. I love you XXXXXXXX
TUESDAY, JUNE 26: I went for a short walk to the shops nearby. I had heard that there was a paedophile there. Nice, isn’t it?
If people informed us about these criminals of course we’d be more cautious and we’d feel safer!
Unfortunately I read two books of messages that had been delivered... There were three horrible ones. One from a former Met Police officer—very insensitive/ cruel and far from constructive! Another said “R.I.P. Maddie”—how appalling!
Well, not surprisingly I was very upset and I went out to the rocks on the beach. I cried a lot and spoke to Madeleine and to God. I was still not ready to go but Gerry was calling me. The police had arrived, as planned, at the apartment. I calmed down and went to the meeting with the police. Everything seems to be so slow. We finished at around 7pm so I went to be with the kids and tell them bedtime stories. I had dinner, had a few drinks despite having said I wanted it without alcohol!! We talked some more.
My darling Madeleine, I feel such fear and dread when I think of you. Every day and every night, it is TOO MUCH. I can only have hope and trust in God and Mary to look after you and bring you back to us soon.
I’m so sorry if I/we let you down. I hope you know how fond of you we are and that we would NEVER do anything intentionally that would put you in danger—of any kind. You are so precious to me. You make me so happy and I miss you so much. Please God, please Mary, keep watch over our sweet Madeleine. Keep her safe and sound and bring her back to us soon! X X
MONDAY, JULY 2: (The day the McCanns had to move from the Ocean Club apartment to a rented house.)
I started to put everything in the suitcases and then I took S and A to the Kids’ Club around 09.20 and then I came back to pack the cases. We moved everything to the house around 10:30. Although now I think that it is a good thing to move to the house—with a bit more privacy—everything feels wrong and painful without Madeleine. I cannot believe that this has happened. She is so loving and I desperately want her back. Sean and Amelie appeared very excited about the “new house” especially with regard to their room. After lunch on the terrace, Gerry filled the Jacuzzi with cold water and the children enjoyed themselves immensely in their “swimming pool”. I went to look for Chinese food for 4.
Oh dear Madeleine, where are you? Are you nearby? Please keep well and be strong, my little one. We are desperate to find you. We love you very much. You are so special. I long to give you the biggest hug in the WORLD!! I miss you so much. I love you so much my dear Madeleine.“
THURSDAY, JULY 5: I got up at 7.15. Gerry went for a run.
NOTHING is or will be as good again without Madeleine.
I am thinking about you a lot, dearest Madeleine, and praying a lot so that we find you soon—alive and unharmed.
Stay strong—you know that we all love you very very very much XXXXX.
FRIDAY, JULY 6: (The day a man was arrested in Holland for a cruel hoax intended to extort £1.3million from the McCanns in return for details of the kidnappers and Madeleine’s location.) I wrote my emails and finished our statement for when the story broke about the Dutch man’s extortion near lunchtime.
He’s 39, unemployed, says that he was bored and wanted to play with our emotions. Bastard. David Miliband (the new Foreign Secretary) phoned Gerry to offer support.
SATURDAY, JULY 7: We had breakfast and got the children ready as usual. At 10.30 the four of us went to the Algarve Shopping Centre.
The plan was to buy sandals and some other things for the children. However the journey was a disaster. We had to stop three times on the way there, since Sean and Amelie were crying alternately.
I began to f

PAIN REVISITED: Kate and Gerry McCann talk ahead of the one year anniversary of Madeleine's disappearance
eel that it had been a wasted day, even though Sean and Amelie had some good goes in Noddy’s car and Popeye’s boat. The return journey was slightly more bearable.
I had a “moment” while we were having lunch. I saw a woman who looked pregnant and I began to think about when I was pregnant with Sean and Amelie. And then it hit me. (Kate then remembers a touching scene from the past.) Madeleine was coming to visit us later that evening, the look of wonder on her face, and afterwards she got in beside me in bed. She was and is so adorable—a real jewel, a real gift. And I painfully miss her.
At around 18.00 went to church. It was good... there was nobody else there. Later Gerry turned up and joined me and we went down as far as the rocks on the beach and talked a little about Madeleine. But I began to feel slightly pessimistic and fearful. Please, my God, prove to us that we are not wrong. But I was feeling worse. Please, my God, let this have a happy ending.
I have been thinking a lot about you today, Madeleine. I am so worried and frightened for you. I can only hope that God has you in his hands and brings you back to us soon. Please, my God, help us, help Madeleine.
We love her and we need her so much, and she loves us and needs us. Please, please, please make it so that we have some good news soon. Good night darling. I love you. (I can hardly wait to say “See you tomorrow.”) XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
THURSDAY, JULY 12: I hate the person who took my Madeleine—the same one who has caused all this trouble, who made us feel worthless and mistrustful and mainly who has frightened my beautiful Madeleine. I will never forgive that person/those people for this. Never.
Today I washed the Cuddle Cat (Madeleine’s favourite soft toy and a constant comfort to heartbroken Kate). I was hoping not to have to do it until Madeleine returns, but it was now quite dirty and smelly, unfortunately without the smell of Madeleine on it. XX
TUESDAY, JULY 17: Finding it very difficult to talk to people from home, unless they are directly involved. It is difficult to show an interest in other people’s lives and children at the moment. I know it sounds horrible, selfish and egocentric, but at the moment I can only think about Madeleine. I don’t want to hear about anyone having babies or getting pregnant (mainly because it was all so very difficult for us). I’m worried about turning into a bitter, angry woman, that would be horrible. Please God bring Madeleine back and let this nightmare end.
Please don’t let our lives be destroyed by this. Please don’t let them hurt Madeleine.
Earlier today I found Amelie in our room looking at photos of Madeleine and she said: “I miss my sister. Where’s my sister?”
I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t realise Amelie’s vocabulary and use of words was so good. I just said: “I miss her too. We’ll find her soon.” What a little sweetheart!
We took turns jumping into the water with the kids, which was great fun. After a DVD and a story it was the twins’ bedtime which didn’t take too long tonight. Madeleine, we are all with you darling.
Keep strong, be patient, we’ll keep on going till we find you. I love you so much. We hope and pray we’ll see you soon.
Goodnight, my darling. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 18: It was suggested that Madeleine is dead and buried in an area close to the beach, behind the cliff.
What can I say? I feel my body’s on the verge of collapse. How much pain and emotion can one body take? I had a bad afternoon. I was very worried, desperate, extremely on edge. I don’t think I can take any more of this, I really can’t. How much longer will this suffering go on? I need Madeleine ALIVE.
SATURDAY, JULY 21: I continue to feel very low. I miss Madeleine so much. It’s as if a ray of light has disappeared from my life. There’s no doubt that Madeleine is that ray and I miss her more than words can say.
We just wrote our blogs/diaries. Once again those dark thoughts returned, linked with feelings of anxiety, fear and worry. How much longer will we have to cope with this pain?
My poor, poor Madeleine. Why, Lord? My heart aches with so much love for you, Madeleine. I just hate being without you.
(Kate then relives the last time they saw Madeleine in the Ocean Club apartment.)
If I could go back in time, I would. I have clear recollections of that night. You were so tired. After your baths, you sat on my knee and put my wedding ring on your finger. We (me, you, Sean and Amelie) read “Mog” in the living area and then “if you’re happy and you know it”. We all sat down on your bed.
Then you counted the squares on the last page. You were always counting things on pages...always laying your head on your pillow at the same time every night. Madeleine you make me so happy. I just want you home. I love you so much. XXXXXXX
MONDAY, JULY 23: I got up at 7.00 and went running. I was surrounded by a pack of dogs (more or less 12)—it really wasn’t a nice experience. I went to the flat, high part of the cliff as I felt really alone and a little frightened. Please God, don’t let Madeleine be buried here. Please God, make sure she’s alive. Please God, bring her back quickly to us.
I took S and A to the Kids’ Club at 9.45 then I went to church to pray a little on my own.
Every single moment of happiness with Sean and Amelie, who are both so delightful, is mixed with deep sadness. All I want is Madeleine to be safe and happy again.
I spent some time on the internet reading about Sarah Payne (Roy Whiting), Eliz. Smart (Brian Mitchell) and the Peter Voisey case (he abducted a six-year-old girl from the bath in North Tyneside). Really horrible.
Night, night sweetheart. I’m trying to be positive. I need to be because I need to believe that you’re going to come back to me, so I can go back to being truly happy. I love you XXX.
TUESDAY, JULY 24: Sean and Amelie had lots of fun in the Jacuzzi—laughter galore! Carrot sticks and crisps were had by all at teatime.
Oh, darling Madeleine. It pains me to think of you—it causes me such sorrow and I have no idea how you feel. I pray to God that you are well, that you are not hurt. I pray that God keeps you safe and sound and that you’re not afraid, nor in pain.
Please God, answer my prayers and please, please, please bring Madeleine back to us very soon, for our own happiness. Please God.
Madeleine, sweetheart, I love you so much. I can’t stop saying it. Night, night darling. We will keep hoping and having faith in God. XXXXXXX.
Restless
WEDNESDAY, JULY 25: I received some bad news last night. A friend has breast cancer and has just received her first dose of chemotherapy following surgery. Horrible. I will include her in my prayers.
At around 15.30 I went for a run. I had begun to feel restless and worried about Madeleine. It was hot and hard work, but I felt better for having gone.
We returned at around 18.15—the children’s dinner and baths, our dinner.
(and the children’s once again!).
Madeleine, sweetheart, you are the most important thing, the only thing that matters. Words cannot describe how I feel about you nor how restless, tormented, alone, sad and incomplete I feel.
I will continue to hope and pray that you come back to us soon but I don’t want to think about how good it would be to feel something like that—not yet, at least.
I love you so, so much darling. I remember sitting watching you through the glass window when you were having your swimming lessons on a Saturday morning. There you were with your yellow swimsuit, ever so pretty and you were smiling and waving at me, and the tears rolled down my face!
I was and am still so proud of you, Madeleine, and my love for you is never-ending. I can’t stop saying how much I love you dearly. I’m going to try and stay strong for you and you have to do the same. You know we love you and we are going to keep going until we find you again.
All my love, Madeleine. Night, night. Sleep well. May God protect you. XXXXX.
SATURDAY, JULY 28: I got up at 7.30 after a late and disturbed night of sleep.
At around 16.20 we had a dip in the Jacuzzi. Sean and Amelie loved it. After tea I went to the small church. I was a little tearful.
It’s really hard for me not to worry about the small things. I wonder does anyone brush her teeth? She looks so happy in that photo taken on that last day.
I know I’m repeating myself but I can’t stop myself from saying how much I love you, Madeleine. I’ll say it as many times as I need to. You’re so, so special. XXXXX.
TUESDAY, JULY 31: (The day before police seized the diary) I got up early after another late and very disturbed night.
I dropped by the church. I feel better after these short conversations.
I cooked my first meal (since they took Madeleine!!) for dinner tonight.
Please God—make me right. Please God—protect her. Please God—bring her back to us soon!
Night, night Madeleine, by dearest little angel. My sweetheart, my darling, my love, my companion. I love you more than anything. Lots of hugs my darling. I’m going to dream that I’m lying by your side—moments I’ll always cherish and I long to have again.
Sweet dreams my little one. Be strong. Mummy XXXXX.
Pope was so gentle and so sincere
DEVOUT Catholic Kate’s nerves were on edge as she and Gerry prepared to meet the Pope at the Vatican on May 30.
On May 28 she wrote: “I felt somewhat concerned. This is going to be a little too much, I only want Madeleine back and to return to our normal life.”
Two days later her diary recalls: “Pope Benedict XVI arrived in his “pope mobile” waving to everyone. It immediately became clear that he recognised us. He took hold of our hands and he was so gentle, so sincere.
“I thanked him for having allowed us to be there with him. He said he would pray for us and that he would continue to pray for Madeleine and for her safe return. I gave him the photo of Madeleine—he blessed it (with the thumb)—something that we would be able to keep for ever. A shy man but very friendly.
“Very emotional, very positive, very important—charming.
“Please, God, bring back to us little Madeleine. We love her so much and we miss her so much. Please Lord, help us to be united once again shortly as a family.
“Later on, Clarence (Foreign Office family liaison) told me that, before that (meeting the Pope), a butterfly had flown above and had landed on the bow on my hair.
“Following on, it left, but it came back and landed on my lapel. An omen, we hope.”